There’s a light snow falling down on Montreal right now and while I was skimming through trending searches and top news stories I couldn’t stop thinking about what sort of presents were awaiting me on Keithmas Night. Sure, Debra Messing is getting a divorce and Snooki is being sued for 7 million dollars, but who really cares about all that anyhow? We’re 6 days away from Keithmas and only 4 days away from that other holiday everyone seems so excited about, the only thing worth thinking about right now is toys.

I remember some pretty awesome toys from childhood, the two best toys that were not video game related were my Voltron and my Devastator.  Technically it was my brother’s Devastator, but he was 6 years older than me and had outgrown it. It was MINE. Who would win in a fight? Who knows. It varied from day to day in my 8 year old self’s battlefield. Sure I had other toys, but they would never win in a fight. I mean, what chance did Luke Skywalker or a NinjaTurtle have with two giant combining robots stomping around?

No chance. No chance in hell.

So, what do kids have today that measures up? I don’t have kids so I have no idea. But I intend to find out… REBOOT!

Nope, didn’t work. Maybe some day, some way, I’ll be transported back to Mainframe. It’ll be like I never left. So for the sake of this article I’m ignoring video games. They’re too easy. Video games have been the “must have” holiday items for the past 100 years or so. They’re basically no brainers on the top of almost any kids wish list. Today I’m looking at 2011’s “must have” toys. Not video games. Video games aren’t toys. To make this list I really only had one source (gifts.com) so I have no way of knowing if these are actually hot items or not. Whatever.

Torx Smash Stix

According to gifts.com this is a pretty hot item. I don’t know if that’s true or not but I can definitely see the allure. They’re sticks (or “stix”) that you smash your friends with. What’s not to love? You’ll basically be doing that one way or the other, why not keep score? That’s right. There’s some sort of electronic device in these fucking things, listen to this:

The TORX Smash Stix let you safely battle your friends for baton-wielding accuracy. You’ll need strength, cunning, and reflexes to defeat your opponent. The Smash Stix feature foam-cushioned ends to soften the blows, so you can play your hardest. Each baton features a center target with an electronic scoring system that sounds when a hit is landed. Smash Stix are a fun way for kids eight and older to exercise their bodies and improve their coordination.

BAHAHAH, wait wait wait “a fun way for kids eight and older to exercise their bodies and improve their coordination”? Really Torx? REALLY? You’re trying to put a fitness spin on your toy to convince parents to buy kids a toy that only exists to facilitate the process of kids hitting each other with sticks? Nice try Torx. You got me.

Would 8 Year Old Me Still Want This? YES fuck, 28 year old me still wants this.

ProTunes I Am T-Pain Mic

Fuck everything about this. First off, full disclosure. When I went to New York (state) a few months ago these things were everywhere. We couldn’t help ourselves. We picked up the demos and autotuned our way into the hearts of the shoppers of every store we went to (Wal-Mart, Target, Toys R Us, nobody was safe from our portable autotune party).  However, I wasn’t aware the fucking thing was over $40 when it’s a glorified smart phone app.  Also, the more I thought about it the more I realized how terrible a gift this really would be. Let’s think about how it would go down.

The kid would run around the house autotuning the crap out of his voice, annoying the ever loving shit out of everyone around him or her for probably the entire Christmas break. Then, he would either forget about it completely or bring it to school and have it taken away. The end. Tops 2 weeks of fun crammed into that stupid microphone.

Would 8 Year Old Me Still Want This? YES, but 8 year old me was an idiot.

Freerider Skatecycle

Holy shit. This looks like the coolest thing in the whole wide world. Look at that thing, it’s basically a TRON skateboard! I love skateboarding, I love TRON. I would ride around my neighbourhood simultaneously making light cycle sounds with my mouth and everyone around me jealous of my awesomeness. According to the product description:

Anyone who rides a snowboard, skateboard or casterboard has the skills to pick up the challenge of the Skatecycle.

Forget that I don’t know what a casterboard is, this is a bold faced lie. I’ve skateboarded for a good 15 years and snowboarded for about as long, I got on one of these things and almost instantly fell on my face. Don’t get me wrong, if I got one of these I would fucking learn how to ride it around like a pro, but those skills do not transfer over.

Would 8 Year Old Me Still Want This? HELL YES, this is basically as close as you can get to a goddamned hoverboard in my opinion.

Justin Bieber Tour Bus and Concert Stage

Features real lights and spinning stage! Plays your MP3s! Costs over $100! What the actual fuck? This is a purple Barbie van with an MP3 player inside. If I see any children playing with this I will do exactly what I did with my friend’s older sister’s Barbie van: I will shoot it down the stairs in a game I called “Crash Van”.  I wasn’t the most creative 8 year old.

Would 8 Year Old Me Still Want This? Fuck off.

Lego Ninjago Fire Temple

Ok, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking that I bitched about the Justin Bieber van being $100 there’s no way I could possibly get behind a nearly $200 Lego set, right? Wrong. For the low, low price of $185 I would play the shit out of this playset. That doesn’t really sound right. Look at that thing, based on the fact that there’s a temple and 7 lego figures the price is nearly justified, throw in a motherfucking Lego dragon and this thing is worth every penny. I’m glad to see that there’s still awesome Lego sets being made. I honestly think there is no better gift than a kickass Lego playset. I could seriously just get this present and nothing else and feel pretty good about whatever I had done to deserve a present this badass.

Would 8 Year Old Me Still Want This: A resounding YES.

Kid Freaking Out From HottestHipHop
Other images from Amazon.com

 

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