With Fantasia a week gone, it’s certainly fallen off of the radar of 99.9999% of the world. What better time than to announce the 9to5sies, the official award ceremony of 9to5 and our way to pay respects to the films that went above and beyond the magic of the general fare at Fantasia. Best Film, Director, whatever else was certainly handled by the capable judges of Fantasia, and by the blogosphere of the world.
We ain’t gonna even try to compete with that. We’re going to come up with our own awards and then give ’em away.
SPOILERS ahead, none of them a huge deal, but you’ve been warned.
Without further ado, here are the official 9to5sies nominees:
Most Outstanding Use Of Narcotics:
Lets do every goddamned drug that anyone ever invented ever from Toad Road
Suicide by crack isn’t so bad it’s comedy gold from Resolution
What do you do when you find a starfish? You keep the fucker in a case in lick the hell out of it from LowLife
Best Totally Badass Slow-Mo Walk:
The blonde 13 year-old snaps his gun from Funeral Kings
After totally beating up a scooter from The New Kids
Singham in the whole fucking movie seriously he never walks at normal speed from Singham
Best Murder by a Naked Girl:
The girl spends the whole movie naked and then twist from Sushi Girl
Let’s just get covered in human blood while eating him it ain’t so bad from Hidden in the Woods
That chick who turns into a succubus from V/H/S (nominee by Walter. Did this even happen?)
Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Monumental Stupidity:
Juan stays on zombie infested Cuba in Juan of the Dead
Staying in the cabin and not getting the fuck out of dodge in Resolution
Crooked cop number 27 who tries to punch Singham and totally gets thrown through a fucking car in Singham
Award for Excessive Testicular Fortitude:
Dude who snorts a spermicide covered condom in Toad Road
The Ambassador for fucking everything that happens in The Ambassador
One legged man attacks a soldier-angel-alien in Human Race
Best Moment Where Your Jaw Hits The Floor Because What The Fuck:
Making a woman fellate your homunculous chicken penis effigy and then finishing in Killer Joe
Val Kilmer explains why it is so good to be Val Kilmer and how much better off we’d be if we were Val Kilmer in The Fourth Dimension
Let’s suck on some starfish and trip balls in Lowlife
Best Cinematic Use of Human Semen:
Spitting jizz on the road montage from Hidden In The Woods
Falling in love with the girl with the cum dripping off her chin in The New Kids: Nitro
Completely covering the old man’s face like where did that even come from in RollerTown
Holy balls am I excited for the winners! When will we announce? Who knows?