These guys hate each other!

These guys hate each other!

We all want to be successful in what we do.

Whether it’s in the workforce, or perhaps following our dreams of making a living doing something creative. Following your passion could lead to a succesful life of acting, making music or even painting.

I know that I want this website to be more successful than it is. It would be great if somehow it actually became my job.

Wouldn’t you love to be successful doing what you love?

Well, it turns out that a lot of successful people share the same traits. It may surprise you, but if you possess a few of these traits being successful in life may be just around the corner.

It’s not as hard as you might think, believe in yourself!

Successful People… Know Other Successful People!

Is your father a movie producer? Maybe your uncle is a famous rapper? Maybe your best friend is a multi-platinum recording artist.

Well guess what?

They might be able to help you on the road to success!

My advice is that if you know literally anyone with any sort of real-life success stories you should do everything you can to get close to them.

Don’t like them as people? Too bad. Suck it up. Pretend to be their best friend for your own advancement. Do you really think all those rappers who are in a constant tornado of collaboration like each other? Of course not! They are just all using each other to advance their own careers.

A simple trick is to just agree with and support every stupid decision your successful “friend” makes. Eventually, when you’re basically just a walking, talking house-pet for this person, subtly tell them you’re “working on your own thing” and then let them sit on it for a while.

After some time, come back to it, telling them that you just need a little bit of exposure and you’ll make it big.

Since you’ve become their only friend in this cruel world you’ll be laughing as they set you up with cash and networking among all their well-connected friends.

Chris_Hemsworth_SDCC_2014_(cropped)Successful People… Are Attractive

It may surprise you to learn that even if you’re not very good at something, people will still be interested in your stupid thing if you’re attractive.

Not very good at singing? Maybe you’re super sexy!

We invented auto-tune for a reason you guys.

If you’re good looking enough but not very talented, you should just start putting yourself out there. Chris Hemsworth gets to be Thor in movies that make billions of dollars. What’s his secret? He’s just super good looking!

If you’re basically a 10, just start trying things out until something sticks. Doesn’t even matter what that thing is. You can try painting, sculpting, singing, dancing, acting, the sky is the limit. Eventually, somebody is going to see your marketable face and give you the shot you’re waiting for.

Watch out world, here you come!

Successful People… Are Super Talented

This is an easy one.

If you’re super talented, and I mean, like REALLY super talented, it’s just a matter of time.

If you’re absolutely the best in your field at something just keep doing that thing until you start making money doing it.

It’s just that easy.

It’s important to note though that just being really good at something isn’t enough for this trick to work. You need to be like the Michael Phelps’ of swimming not just “I can do the backstroke.”

Successful People… Steal Stuff from Other People

This one requires a little bit more work than the others, but it can actually be the most rewarding. If you find that you don’t know anybody successful, aren’t attractive, aren’t already super rich and aren’t super talented, this one might be for you! Why shouldn’t you also get to be successful?

Maybe you know somebody who is really talented or good at something, but haven’t actually been discovered yet?

Well, just steal that thing and tell everyone that you did it!

Remember that time the so-called “comedian” the Fat Jew just stole people’s jokes from Twitter and Instagram or whatever and then took the credit? That got him into a lot of trouble, but before that, he was super successful.

And it’s not like he invented the method either. Look up Thomas Edison when you’ve got some time. You may know him as this great inventor, but he also took a bunch of credit for other people’s work.

We regard him as one of the greatest minds in American history but he just stole other people’s inventions and sold them as his own.

Be like Thomas Edison!

Already a billionaire!

Already a billionaire!

Successful People… Are Super Rich

If you’re already rich, every door is already open to you, whether you know it or not.

You can get invited to all the best parties and do things just for fun while the rest of us are working our asses off for 40 hours a week.

Did you know that Julia Louis-Dreyfus dad is Gérard Louis-Dreyfus? If you don’t know who that is, he’s a billionaire. That’s right, even before Seinfeld or her terrible time on Saturday Night Live, Julia Louis-Dreyfus was already the heiress to a billionaire’s fortune.

I wonder if she had to wait very long for any of her callbacks? Probably not!

Much like being attractive, if you’re super rich you can just start doing things, and success is sure to find you.

Nobody cares about my signature cologne scent, but I’d bet you that if I was super rich people would be like “Give me l’eau de Keith” and I’d make even more money!

Success if everywhere!

Keith does all sorts of things here on 9to5.cc, he works with the other founders on 9to5 (illustrated), co-hosts our two podcasts: The 9to5 Entertainment System and Go Plug Yourself and blogs here as The Perspicacious Geek. He’s not very successful at any of these things.

Child Rebel Soldier: Genius.com
Chris Hemsworth – Gage Skidmore
Julia Louis-Dreyfus – David Shankbone

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