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It’s that time of the year again!  With Fantasia over, it’s time to announce both the categories and the nominees for our attempts at an award ceremony.  With the event long withdrawn from everyone’s mind, it’s time for us to double down on our commitment! Be warned, there are spoilers aplenty in this list, so if you care about that, go watch some movies instead!   Behold:

 

Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Monumental Stupidity (3rd annual)

1. Capture an insanely dangerous werewolf and plan to take her out to sea to drown her but don’t kill her first in When Animals Dream
2. Tell the extremely scary bookie about your time travelling camera in Time Lapse
3. I’m going to single handedly attack all of Army (he dies) in The Run
4. Honorable Mention:  All 6 characters turn your back on the person trying to kill you only to have it blow up in their faces in Preservation

Greatest Affront To A Kind And Loving God

1. The clone monster baby in Closer To God
2. All of the universe in Zero Theorem
3. Every now and then falling apart in Dod Sno:  Red vs Dead

The Nathan Explosion Award For Oh My God That Was So Fucking Metal

1. Playing Nordic black metal in church in Metalhead
2. Kicking in the door covered in blood, wrapped in barbed wire and wielding a shotgun in Let Us Prey
3. Covered head to toe in pentagrams so that you can crawl out of your own stomach, head to toe covered in blood after being eaten out by a summoned demon in Goat Witch

Least Sexual Moment Involving Full Frontal Nudity

1. Why God why did we have to see Gerard Depardieux’s junk in Welcome to New York
2. Wolf cop’s man-dick wolfs out into wolf-dick in Wolf Cop
3. Rubbing your vagina on Berlin’s filthiest toilet in Wetlands

This Is Not Why I Got Into Acting

1.  Wearing a black gimp mask, some belts, and a lether thong to become the gay vigilante Homo Dynamous in Bloody Knuckles
2.  Bouncing up and down to slap your prosthetic beaver tail on the floor in Zombeavers
3.  Hours of sitting in makeup so that you look just the perfect amount of decomposed in Starry Eyes

Most Convoluted Way to Get Killed by a G-g-g-ghost

1. Sprayed in the face by a kettle, thrown against a fridge, dragged into a fridge by a g-g-g-ghost… Ju-On Beginning of the End
2. Your Facebook profile picture is thrown around your Facebook page, apparently harming you in the real world like a Facebook was a fucked up voodoo doll by a g-g-g-ghost … Cybernatural
3. Ok so first threaten a spooky gas station attendant and then get lost on a perfectly straight stretch of haunted highway and then you accidentally murder the Asian schoolgirl you kidnapped and then she chases you around and now time is looping back on itself what the fuck is this g-g-g-ghost in Devil’s Mile

note:  In previous years we’ve had the category “best moment where your jaw hits the floor because what the fuck.”  Well, we realized that sometimes that happens in a good way, and sometimes that happens in a bad way, and so we’ve divided up that category into two:

 

Best Actual WTF Is Going On Here in A Good Way Moment

1. The sick kid crawling into the basement and finding a second kid being kept alive in The Harvest
2. Kung Fu Elliot going to the sadest fetish party in eastern Canada in Kung Fu Elliot
3. You’re hiding out in LA from the assassins hired to kill you on fatwalist.com and then that assassin is assassinated by a six year old Chinese immigrant trained as a secret US super soldier in I Am a Knife With Legs

Worst Wannabe WTF Is Going On Here In a Bad Way Moment

1. That stupid fucking dinosaur like really imagine if a CG dinosaur showed up at the end of the Ring you’d be like wat in Real
2. Samuel Jackson was the bad guy and the only people surprised was nobody in Kite
3. So it turns out Davos Seaworth is a demon and then the girl is maybe an angel or something NOW KISS in Let Us Prey

Outstanding Achievement in Artificial Mustaches

1. The mustache worn by the leader of The Factory for the entire film that he then removes to give to his protege as he dies in The Hooligan Factory
2. The mustache of the Asian roommate in Bloody Knucles so he appears to be Italian to have a pizzadelivery job in Bloody Knuckles
3. The terrible fake mustache that tries to hide the fact that John Mayer has a cameo in Zombeavers

Testicular Fortitude (note:  3 female nominees this year!)

1. “I might be concussed and the bad guys have guns but I will stitch my head up with an ear ring and dental floss and go fight the bad guys with a tire iron” The chick in Preservation
2. Giving yourself a coat-hanger abortion then blackmailing your next door neighbor into covering up for you in Dys
3. Making out with the Drownsman while he’s drowning you because he’s the Drownsman in The Drownsman

The winners will be announced via live ceremony (totally live I swear but available in podcast form) on Tuesday!