I just got a parking ticket, so fuck all of this celebrity garbage. Not a week has gone by since the London riots and people (at least, the people who use Google, so you know, just about everyone) have more or less forgotten about it. I haven’t though. If anyone’s still interested over 1000 people are facing charges out of the nearly 2000 people arrested, nobody learnt anything and London is now a shittier place. The internet has moved on to caring more about people who make exponentially more money than the rest of us, and now so will I.

Jackie Chan is still not dead. What has it been? 4 months since the last time someone thought Jackie Chan was dead? My bad, it was almost 5 months. When he actually dies nobody will believe it. How many times do I need to reiterate? Facebook and Twitter are not news sources. When you see a group on Facebook about Jackie Chan being dead, you should Google it. You shouldn’t instantly tweet about it. My favorite tweet about this comes from @TheKaineTrain who, with Lil’ Wayne tiled garishly in his background tells us his main problem with Facebook:

Jackie Chan isn’t dead, I don’t like how anyone can make Facebook pages because then they make fake death pages.

I’m right there with you @TheKaineTrain. There should be special forms to fill out and background checks performed on everyone who wants to make a Facebook page. 

Don’t you just love the way the Kardashians are always in the news for no fucking reason? One of them is always releasing a sex tape, having a break up, being the spokesperson for a toilet or getting married. I can’t wait for them all to get to the severe drug addiction phase of fame. Secretly (well, not so secretly anymore) that’s what I hope to accomplish with this website. I want to be a public toilet spokesperson followed by severe drug addiction and possibly an affair with Betty White.

Anyhow, Kim Kardashian’s wedding plans have been trending since she got engaged. I can’t believe she’s still in the top 5. She’s not getting married until October 9th or something. I don’t want to waste my time or yours on this, so I included a picture of her ring, valued at around $2 million that thing is 20.5 carats. For perspective, the fucking future Queen of England’s wedding ring was 18 carats. Who can afford that?

Applaud my segue. Bubba Starling could afford that.

That man in that slightly homoerotic picture is Bubba Starling. First of all, his name is Bubba Starling. Soak that in. Second of all, the reason he’s holding a baseball bat while wearing football pads is because he’s apparently he’s a sports baby Jesus, attracting the attention of both pro baseball and pro football organizations.  He’s 18 years old and he signed a contract with the Kansas City Royals.

How much?

$7.5 million dollars.

No wait, my bad. That was his signing bonus. If he never plays a single game with the Royals, that $7.5 million dollars is probably still bank. Apparently fans of the Nebraska Cornhuskers (the College-ball football team that had Bubba in their sights) are not too pleased.

If I have a kid I’m going to name him Bubba and make sure he’s good at sports.

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