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So this is the first WTF World of 2012. Should be a good one, right? Probably won’t be. I’m pretty under prepared. I’m still trying to figure out if I should change the mix for this column or not. Also, I’m currently unemployed. I start a new job next Monday or Tuesday but right now, for the first time about 10 years I don’t have anything to say when people ask me my current employer. Which happens a lot, you know, at the bar, the bus stop, in the grocery checkout line, identifying yourself to local authorities because of some crazy court order. The usual stuff.

For the mean time though I’ve got to write this column, even though it’s 3:00 pm, I haven’t been awake that long, I also (typical) should have had some coffee and didn’t and now I’m just plugging away at this thing.

Nick Cannon was hospitalized today with kidney failure. That’s all the research that I’m going to do about this. I can only assume that he drinks too much and is now paying the price of years of partying on Nickelodeon’s dime and then marrying rich and being famous for no good reason. He’s like a less talented Tyler Perry sort of. Think about that. I’m now going to make fun of Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey in this photo.

These two people are supposed to be adults. In fact (once again, this isn’t researched) Mariah Carey has to be over 40. Nick Cannon is maybe 30? Why is he wearing that terrible hat? Is it terribly cold in that hospital? Mariah Carey climbing into the hospital bed to pose with her wonderful man looks like a photo I would take of my 15 year old cousin cuddling with her high school sweetheart after he broke his arm in the big game. Except there is no big game. There’s just kidney failure, probably caused by too much booze. Another thing, she tweeted that picture, and tweeted that everyone should wish her husband well. Few things, one, she climbed into a hospital bed and had someone else take the photo for her so she could turn her husband’s kidney failure into publicity. Two, how many photos do you think poor sick Nick Cannon had to sit through before Mariah decided that this one was “just right”. Good enough to share with her millions of twitter followers. Or thousands. Or whatever. Next time I’m sick I want the internet to wish me well. I also like the part that if you look at the photo real fast it sort of looks like Nick Cannon is all fat. I was a little sad it turned out to be a pillow.

You know what’s fucked up? At this very moment #brokebackmountain is trending on Twitter. I usually don’t go to twitter for trending topics since they change so fucking quickly, but this one caught my eye. I really wanted to know why years later this would trend. Heath Ledger didn’t die until January 22nd, and the movie only came out in December. I mean, maybe it’s because today is more or less in the middle of those two anniversaries (albeit 3 years apart). Who the fuck knows?

The whole Brokeback Mountain thing was really strange. Someone summed the whole film up in a single sentence:

Two cowboys fall in love but can’t be together, then one of them dies.

That’s really the movie. They fight a bunch, those fights usually turn into long hugs or makeout scenes. Manly men being nice and gay. That’s the whole movie. I guess it didn’t hurt that the two big gay cowboys were two of the hottest actors at the time. I remember that a bunch of single girls that I knew went to go see it on Valentine’s day that year (which would be 2006 I think). Apparently watching two “Hollywood Hotties” being all gay was better than being alone on Valentine’s day.

Fuck, that makes even less sense to me now that I think about it. You’re alone on Valentine’s Day, so you want to go watch two already unattainable men act even more unattainable? They’re acting like gay cowboys, if you (as a straight woman) managed to sneak off with them on one of their little cowboy trips, do you think they’d suddenly be like “Hey, good idea, manly cowboy bisexual threeway?” Yeah, I doubt it. They’d probably just act like cowboys. They might even fight. Since they’re cowboys. If I was a single lady, watching BrokeBack Mountain would totally not do the trick for me. I mean, you get to see a famous man’s penis. But is that all it takes to feel good on Valentine’s Day? Man penis?

Guess what ladies, if you just want to see penis, there’s a lot of options, not only will a lot of men just up and show you their penis if you flirt with them, you can also watch porn. If it someone makes you feel better, you can watch gay porn. Actually, you should watch some gay porn right now. The sex scenes in Brokeback Mountain are pretty intense, but really… watch some gay porn this Valentine’s Day. You’ll feel great about yourself, trust me.

That got weird.

Nick Cannon photo from Twitter.
Brokeback Mountain poster used under Fair Use.