9to5 (dot cc)

First of all, it is nearly 5:00 pm. Second of all, I’ve had the busiest day, backt-to-back interviews for a new 9to5. Usually I write these things on a Tuesday and then either finalize them on Wednesday or just publish as is if there’s nothing new to deal with. Either that or I wake up a little early on Wednesday and hammer it out then or sometimes I just write them on my breaks or whatever throughout the day. Either way, the day is wearing on and this thing isn’t about to right itself. Sadly, this will probably be a little rushed since quite frankly I just don’t have the time to pour the regular love and devotion into shitting carefully crafting one of these columns. I normally take the upmost time and consideration into the content of these things.

That clearly didn’t happen today. Jon sent me something about the Citigroup Plutonomy Memos that more or less spell out how the financial giant fully endorses and encourages the terrible rule of the dreaded 1%. However, I haven’t done enough homework on this subject and that link up there seems to be more informed than I ever could be.  TL;DR? Citigroup basically warned the hyper wealthy of the coming economic imbalance and guided their richest clients to avoid losing money and ultimately making more money. Fuck those guys. Right in the penis-mouth. Which is of course just like a regular mouth but it’s one you put your penis in.

Nope, I’m not gonna talk about that, I’m gonna talk about sensationalism! What’s more sensational than Lindsay Lohan posing nude! NOTHING. Shut your penis-mouth! Nothing is happening in the world today that is more important than Lilo being naked. NOTHING. On that topic, isn’t weird that it’s pronounced “lee-low” when it clearly should be pronounced “lie-low”. Deep thoughts indeed, remember, I’m passing up providing insightful commentary on a very serious issue of corporate corruption to talk about boobies.

So anyhow, yes, Lindsay Lohan posed nude for Playboy. She basically recreated the famous Marilyn Monroe pictorial from whenever that happened. This seems to have pissed off some people who think Lindsay is not the same caliber of performer and lacks the class of Miss Monroe. You know what? Fuck those people. Marilyn Monroe was a terrible actress (trust me on this one, I’ve been watching a lot of classic films on Netflix recently) who slept with the very married President Kennedy. Yup, she was nice and classy. If you think for a second that Marilyn Monroe wasn’t boob-deep in cocaine and alcohol throughout her entire career, you’re deluding yourself. It was a just that she did it in a time before camera phones so she is more fondly remembered. When she got messed up partying and was throwing up into the back alley of some ritzy hotel, nobody was videotaping it and sending it to TMZ.

I think Playboy really taped into this by having Lindsay keep the blood alcohol ankle monitor on for the duration of the shoot. A quiet brilliance and social commentary from the pages of Playboy. I’m just kidding, they didn’t do that. But they should have. Since you all want to know my opinion (or you wouldn’t be reading this) I think Lilo is back to being fuckable based on these photos. She doesn’t make my list of 5 celebrities I’m allowed to sleep with no matter what, but she puts herself onto the very long list of celebrities I would consider having sex with in the right circumstances. She was completely off that list for a while there.

Anyhow, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be on Ellen or something and then dropped out at the last minute, it was supposed to be her only public interview where she hyped up the Playboy shoot. Why did she miss the interview? She missed her plane to LA from Hawaii. Man, I want a life where even if I fuck up constantly for literally years at a time I can still be in a position to miss a television interview because I’m too busy being on vacation. Vacation from what Lilo? Other than taking nudie photos and being under house arrest, what have you been doing with your life?

“God I just need a vacation from life, you know?”

Fuck you Lindsay Lohan, you’re off the list again.

Sidney… fucking… Crosby. So, we all know the story, Sid The Kid was pasted early this year, missed 10 months of hockey with a concussion and came back November 21^st and exploded on the scoresheet, never missing a beat. Despite missing nearly 2 months of hockey Crosby was on pace for a 132 point season. Now, not a month later, he’s sidelined again with “concussion like symptoms.” That little boy over there? His dreams might be ruined. Well, not all his dreams. He’s already won the Stanley Cup and the Olympic Gold Medal.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the NHL absolutely needs to reform equipment, specifically the helmet, right away. Theirs is something seriously wrong with the NHL when the following players all have concussions:

• Marc Savard
• Nathan Gerbe
• Jeff Skinner
• Peter Mueller
• Radek Martinek
• Marcel Goc
• Marek Zidlicky
• Marc Staal
• Michael Sauer
• Ian Laperriere
• Chris Pronger
• Claude Giroux
• Brayden Schenn
• Kurt Sauer
• Nick Peterson
• Zbynek Michalek
• Kris Letang
• Sidney Crosby
• Robert Bortuzzo
• Andy Macdonald
• Jay Beagle

21 professional hockey players out with concussions (that’s not counting the players out for “undisclosed” reasons that may be head injury related. A good number of them are star players, and a few of them are even franchise players.

Dear NHL, get better helmets. The NFL currently has 12 players listed as having concussions. In the sport of football, a whole line of men who are bigger than hockey players run at each other head first. Every play starts with this! Players smashing into each other head first is just how the play starts. Yet, they have nearly half the concussions of the NHL?

Get a fucking clue NHL.

Seriously.

You’re pissing me off.

Lindsay Lohan image from Vancouver Sun.