9to5 (dot cc)

Man, I really don’t want to be writing this column today. I’ve had a rough couple of days at work and I think I’m coming down with a cold. However, I am committed to not missing a day of this bullshit, so here I am, plugging away once again at the keyboard to give you my take on the so called “big stories” of the past week.

The story that makes me the most sad is that NBC’s Community is being cancelled put on hiatus until some magical future date. I don’t really know what constitutes a ‘hit’ in the modern television world, but I thought maybe Community had taken a big step backwards in terms of the viewers. Doesn’t seem so bad when you look at the ratings, maybe down a few hundred thousand viewers from last season. Still though, I’m a big Community fan and I know you are too. I know this because you, like me, are an attractive, intelligent person with refined taste. It’s a great show that everyone with basic cable and a heart should be watching and enjoying. NBC has said that they’ll air the rest of the episodes that have been recorded for this season at some later date. Most people are thinking the summer, which is of course where shows go to die.

I have another, slightly more hopeful theory. I think that maybe, just maybe, NBC execs may have a soft spot for a great show, even if it doesn’t have the ratings to keep it going. How do they fix this? NBC’s best comedy (although also not a ratings machine) is currently on hiatus as well. I’m talking about 30 Rock, which isn’t going to be joining the NBC lineup until sometime in early 2012 due to Tina Fey’s pregnancy. What I’m hoping for is that they bring Community back with 30 Rock, being a 1-2 punch of smart comedies back-to-back.

The shows appeal to a similar audience and people are far more likely to tune in for a whole evening of solid comedy than just a single show, that’s what I think, who knows what’ll happen? It’s just a happy thought that maybe NBC’s decision actually has the show’s best interest at heart. How it plays out, well, let’s not think about Arrested Development right now ok?

You know what’s fucked up? As you may or may not know when I’m picking topics to ramble on about for this column, I often fall back on Google Trends to see what people are searching for, since this is pretty good indication of what’s “hot” right now. I play with the various filters and find stuff that the world cares about and that I have an opinion on. You know what happens if I don’t play with the filters? The most searched terms on the internet, numbers 1-4:

• Facebook
• You
• Youtube
• Google

Remember, these are Google searches! I can assume that people Googling “you” are really just looking for Youtube. So basically, the most sought after things on Google are Facebook and Youtube. Both of which are their own domain. If people just typed “y” or “f” into their address bar, they would almost certainly be the first thing to pop up.

Even more troubling is the fact that people are using Google to look for “Google”! What the serious-fuck? I have a theory about this. I think these people are Chrome users and have no idea that the address bar doubles as a search field. So they’re searching for the search engine that they’re already using. Fucking people.

Oh yeah, bad news faithful readers: The paternity suit against the Biebs was dropped apparently. I never get to have nice things! This would have been amazing. The more I thought about it the more I was excited for it to be true. Think about it, this kid would not only grow to be fucked up, it would be entirely possible that the mom (Mariah Yeater) would be convicted of statutory rape and be imprisoned. Then what? Bieber’s too young to take care of a kid (but could take care of him/her financially like a boss), or maybe he isn’t? Maybe the baby goes on tour with him and is used like a sick Sarah Palin prop or something? Why can’t this be true? Why?

Oh yeah, Skyrim came out. I haven’t played it. Fuck I hope Jono starts posting on this site, he plays more videogame than anyone. Skyrim is the 5^th most searched for thing in North America right now. Not just in “Entertainment” or “Games” or whatever, but in general. I haven’t played it, Jon’s a million hours in. Fuck, fucking Jon.

I swear to God.