9to5 (dot cc)

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy, this week is fucking bursting at the seams with shit I can’t wait to talk about, I don’t even know where to start. Maybe my good mood is due to the fact that I’m currently listening to a peppy instrumental horn heavy cover of Toto’s “Africa” that is misfiled pretty badly so I can’t tell you who is actually performing it. I’ve been listening to it on loop for about 20 minutes while I look up stuff for this article though. So try to imagine that song playing while you read this article.

Fuck, this is seriously bugging me. Who recorded this version of the song? Holy shit a lot of people have covered this song. The internet is next to no help at all.

Fuck that noise, I just listened to the first 5 seconds of like, 10 covers of the song and you know what? The only one I want to listen to is the one I can’t find a source for. Oh well, it will be my solitary experience.

I love how off track we are already, we haven’t even gotten on track yet and we’re already way off topic. I’m the one who decides the topics!

Are you familiar with the Duggar family? They’re the idiots from that show “a million kids and counting”. Guess what? They’re having another kid. Remember that movie where there was the 12 kids and that was so many kids that obviously it was make believe? These fucking people are pregnant with their 20^th child.  Jim Bob knocked up Michelle yet again. First of all, the fact that his name is Jim Bob is amazing and something I didn’t know up until today. It adds a certain something to the whole story I think.

“Hey Derlene, Jim Bob’s havin’ anuthur baybee!”

Look, I get it, they’re Christians or whatever. They’re letting “God decide how many babies” they’re having. This woman is 45 years old though! She’s going to die giving childbirth. Her last 5 kids were born via C-section and the 19^th baby was 3 months premature. They’re going to kill the baby and the mother with their stupidity. And we’ll watch it happen on TV. Thanks Discovery Channel, you’ve let me “discover” idiots who can’t stop having babies.

Speaking of babies and pregnancy (I put the news items today in a particular order like a goddamned word master)… Justin Bieber might be a dad! Oh man, I love this one too. So much.  So this girl, this girl right Mariah Yeater says that last October after a concert in L.A. the Biebs took her into a bathroom because he wanted to “fuck the shit out of her”. Then he did, allegedly for 30 seconds, with no condom on.

Anyhow, there’s a paternity test or something scheduled in two weeks.  If the story is true though, it would mean that 16 year old Justin Bieber plowed a 20 year old, got her knocked up, and may have to pay child support for the rest of his life. I really want this to be true, not because I want Bieber to be “brought down a peg” or anything like that, I could give two fucks about this kid honestly. (I really hope true “Beliebers” find this website and spam this comment page, it’d be awesome) No, you see, I want this to be true because in about 17 years from now this kid will be the next Lindsay Lohan.  Can you imagine? Her (or his, I didn’t bother trying to find out the thing’s gender) dad is Bieber, her mom fucked Bieber in a bathroom stall and is now famous for having a Twitter war with Bieber fans (she’s denouncing the “haters” who are, as we all know, “gonna hate”). This kid will have the biggest free ride in history and when he or she is 18, Bieber is gonna be like, 35 or something and dealing with his fucked up LeeLo son or daughter.

Give me this one. When I’m 46 I want to have this fucked up little kid in the news.

I don’t have a way to tie this all into Grand Theft Auto 5, except for the very slim possibility (now that I think of it, not that slim) that you’ll be able to fuck some chick in the bathroom for 30 seconds as a mini-game while playing it.  So anyways, supposedly some dude leaked a bunch of stuff about GTA 5 yesterday. Huge map, less stupid sidequests, etc.

The reason I bring this up though is because I want the GTA series to die. How many times do we need to play it? Here’s the formula:

You used to be a badass somewhere else
You’ve come to a new city where nobody respects you
You slowly take over the city in a crime wave of completely insane proportions
You did it!

GTA 5 is actually GTA 7, since San Andreas and Vice City were also that same game. I’ll admit that they are pretty serious technological achievements, and I think sandbox gaming can be fun, but the GTA formula is getting pretty tired and unless they really mix things up, I probably just won’t care.

Mariah Yeater Photo from Earsucker
Duggar Family Photo from PopCrunch
GTA 5 Fake Box Are from Video Games Blogger