Celebrities just can’t stay married. Most of the time, kids can keep hamsters around for longer than a celebrity marriage. That even applies to hipsters celebrities. Doesn’t matter if you’re the lead singer of Death Cab and the star of (500) Days of Summer and singer of another “popular” indie band She & Him. You know that song they had? The cover of that song by The Smiths? Oh yeah. When your biggest song is a cover song, you know you’ve made it. Am I right Alien Ant Farm? Eh? Eh?

So yeah, Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel have split up. Close friends say that it may have to do with the fact that she always looks like a deer in the headlights and his head is apparently enormous.  Supposedly there’s no third party and the breakup is amicable. Sure, that’s what they say now. Wait for the new Death Cab album “Songs for Zooey” to reveal that Gibbard’s heart is crushed. I don’t know if you listen to much Death Cab, but I certainly have the impression that it doesn’t take much for this guy’s heart to be crushed. Like, out of coffee? Heart crushed. Missed the bus? Heart crushed. My theory? Zooey Deschanel has been pretending to be Katy Perry and sleeping with Russell Brand. (Insert cocky oversexed Russell Brand quote here).

Anyhow they lasted 2 years. Which may as well be a goddamned world record compared to some people. Some people like Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.

They lasted 72 days.

A little over 2 months and her 20 million dollar marriage is over (that’s the cost of the ceremony by the way, not counting the goddamned ring).

Why did they get a divorce? My guess is that she’s a spoiled little girl who refused to shake it for 23. If your girl won’t shake it for 23, you’re in trouble. Divorce that bitch stat.

Honestly I don’t know why the divorced. Everything I’ve read is just “I made a mistake, and I was caught up in the hoopla of the televised wedding and a 2 million dollar ring and 3 wedding dresses and I just felt so rich I made poor decisions.” I don’t even know which NBA team Kris Humphries plays for. I’m guessing it’s a team that makes poor decisions.

My favorite part about this whole “marriage falling apart thing”  is the Vera Wang wedding dress deal. So Vera Wang designed Kim Kardashian’s dress right? Oh wait, my bad, Vera Wang designed TWO of her wedding dresses (she had 3, remember). Anyhow, low cost replicas of these dresses were going to be sold at David’s Bridal for regular old normal people to wear. Of course, when I say replica my guess is that they’re as much like Kim’s actual dress as replica lightsabers are to the lightsabers in the movies. These dresses are going to sell for about $1500, which I’m guessing is like 1/100th of the cost of the Kardashian version.

Anyhow, here’s the funny part. The dresses won’t go on sale until February, at which point the wedding will be completely over and done with.

Who’s gonna buy a dress that is famous for being a part of one of the most short-lived weddings in Hollywood? Don’t answer that. The answer might frighten you. Take a long look at yourself and you will see… the answer… is you.

I’m just kidding, I respect my readers more than that. Who am I kidding? I don’t have readers.

I know this where I usually get bored of the “news” and branch into video game talk, but today I have one more piece of “news” that I want to share instead.

They re-opened the John Wayne Gacy file. Joseph Kozenczak (the detective who cracked the case in the 70s) is convinced that Gacy killed more than 33 people. Sam Amirante (Gacy’s defense attorney) claims that Gacy only killed 34, saying that there was one additional victim who was never found.

Now, over 30 years later, the case has been re-opened. You might be wondering why bother re-opening the case. Gacy was put to death almost 20 years ago. Well, they’re trying to pin some outstanding missing persons cases on Gacy. At this point they’re trying to link Gacy to 14 unsolved murders in the United States and Canada. The idea here is that all 33 of Gacy’s confirmed victims were from Illinois, before his arrest though, Gacy traveled to other states and Canada. To quote Kozenczak:

“It is beyond preposterous to think Gacy stopped killing when he left Illinois”

Which makes sense right? This is a guy who was sometimes killed 2 people a day. What’s to make him stop when he’s on the move?

I don’t know though, if I had a loved one who went mysteriously missing in the 70s, I would sort of rather delude myself into thinking they ran off and had their own life somewhere than to find out 30 years later they were a victim of John Wayne Gacy.

That’s just me though.

Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard photo from ABC News
Kim Kardashian wedding photos from US

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