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Wherein the author listens to songs that he knows the lyrics of and tries to figure out what’s really going on.

I don’t know why, but there’s been two songs that have made me think about the portrayal of women in music in the past few days. They are very different songs, from very different eras. One is performed by a woman, the other by a man. I guess both would be considered classics. I’m like 90% sure most of you could sing along to pretty good sections of both of them.

This is going to be silly. Also, Elvis is being a huge creeper. Also, imagine if the Alanis Morissette character from “You Oughta Know” was actually the big sister from “Little Sister”? Then shit would be super interesting. Maybe these songs are sequels?

“Little Sister”

Little sister, don’t you
Little sister, don’t you
Little sister, don’t you kiss me once or twice
Then say it’s very nice
And then you run
Little sister, don’t you
Do what your big sister done

Right out the gates with some pretty shitty behavior there Elvis. You dated one sister, now you’re here, macking on the younger sister? Classy. I think it’s also a little off putting the way you’re just telling the little sister how to behave. You’re not the boss of her man. Back off. Also, don’t you think it’s a little strange that both of these sisters are running away from you? Not leaving you, not walking out on you, but running. Running away from Elvis. When women are running away from you, maybe you should take a good long look at yourself.

Well, I dated your big sister
And took her to a show
I went for some candy
Along came Jim Dandy
And they snuck right out of the door

Hey Elvis, maybe Jim Dandy isn’t so bad. Maybe the big sister saw the way you were eyeing her little sister and wisely decided to steer the fuck away from your creepy ass? I mean, I’ll admit that it’s pretty low of big sister to just sneak out in the middle of a date with Jim, but did you ever stop and think that maybe things would’ve been different if you hadn’t spent the whole day talking about how cute little sister was?

 (Chorus)

 Ev’ry time I see your sister
Well she’s got somebody new
She’s mean and she’s evil
Like that old Boll Weevil
Guess I’ll try my luck with you

Classic slut shaming. Big sister is out there playing the field and Elvis immediately calls her evil. Hey, what’s the bigger social faux-pas here: big sister dating a bunch of guys, or Elvis keeping it in the family? If I were these girls’ dad I think I would have a much bigger problem with the fact that Elvis keeps sniffing around the house than my eldest daughter dating a bunch of boys. I know she had the good sense to run away from that sleazy Elvis guy, so she can probably handle herself and make good character choices regardless of how many men she’s seeing.

 (Chorus)

Well, I used to pull your pigtails
And pinch your turned-up nose
But you been a growin’
And baby, it’s been showin’
From your head down to your toes

What the fuck Elvis? What the actual fuck? So you’ve known little sister since she was a little girl and now that she’s (presumably) old enough to date you’re all like “yeah, sign me up.” What do you suppose the age difference is here? Let’s say Elvis in the song is Elvis in the real world. This song came out in 1961 so Elvis was 26. Like, was Elvis dating big sister when they were in their late teens and little sister was like 10? Now is little sister let’s say 18 and he’s like “hey, yeah your growth is showing”? Which, for the record, is a gross pick up line. No matter what the age difference is, I feel like the acts of pulling on pigtails and pinching noses is mega awkward when deep down Elvis is like “yeah girl, I can’t wait until you’re legal.” Stay away from her Elvis, you stay away from this whole family!

 Little sister, don’t you
Little sister, don’t you
Little sister, don’t you kiss me once or twice
Then say it’s very nice
And then you run
Little sister, don’t you
Do what your big sister done

This song is really about Elvis’ unhealthy obsession with these sisters. If I were these girls’ dad, I would honestly be worried that Elvis would next turn his attention to my wife. This guy needs help and he blames them when they don’t want to be with him. The extra disturbing part is that if he’s actually the famous rock-star Elvis in this song, then he’s just this rich creepy guy who wants to date one of these sisters. Anyhow, this song (lyrically) is the worst.

Ok, for our next careful analysis of lyrics I need to explain a little background. I was out to dinner with Mae (from Anatomy of Cosplay) and proposed that maybe Alanis was to blame for her lover leaving her. She was pretty quick to defend Alanis (as I think many would be), but then we both came to the conclusion that we didn’t know the lyrics well enough to properly argue the point. So, I decided to look them up. So, who’s the bad guy in this song? Alanis or the dude? Or was it just one of those things that happens and nobody was really to blame? Read on good reader.

“You Oughta Know”

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

Ok, at this stage Alanis is really just lashing out wildly. What do we know about the male here? Nothing. What do we know about this new woman? She’s older than Alanis. What comes next is just wild supposition on the part of Alanis, some of which is insulting (maybe) and other parts are just complementary. She suggests the new woman might be a well spoken, maternal pervert. I mean, we can assume part of this is being sarcastic, but if that’s the case is she not a pervert? What we do know is that Alanis considers *herself* to be a pervert. So in this verse, perversion is the virtue? Or maybe these are *all* Alanis traits and Alanis is the well spoken, maternal pervert? In that case are we to surmise that this new woman is a prudish, poorly spoken woman who doesn’t want his babies the way Alanis does?

’cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you’re still alive

Whoa! That got intense fast. Ok, what’s going on here? It seems like the man was obviously not being truthful to Alanis when he proclaimed his undying love to her. I think Alanis is trying to say that people can’t change their minds about someone. I mean, it always hurts when you break up, but you can’t go an hold someone accountable for everything they said in the throes of passion or young love. Maybe this guy wasn’t lying Alanis, maybe that time you went down on him in a theater was just too much for him? Maybe he just wasn’t that kind of adventurous guy? I think you’ll feel a lot better if you just let him go and try to live your life being you.

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Ok. I get it. Maybe this guy is a douchebag. Maybe he promised you the world and then up and left you for either a prude or a whore who may or may not be well spoken or maternal. Do you really feel like he left you with such a burden that you know feel yourself bearing a metaphorical torture stake in his absence? Exaggerate much? No matter what kind of a jerk this guy was (which we still really don’t have any evidence of in this song), you’re really beating yourself up about this way too much. Fun fact, for the longest time I thought the line “Of the cross I bear that you gave to me” was “of the cross eyed babe that you gave to me” and that the guy had left Alanis alone as a single mother of a special-needs child. THAT guy was an asshole. This guy? I don’t really know anything about him.

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Here again, there’s no real indication that the guy did anything really wrong other than the terrible deed of breaking up with Alanis. Maybe he got on the rebound a little quicker than he should have, but Alanis doesn’t even say he cheated or anything. Just that he had a quick rebound. Alanis is letting this broken relationship tear her up inside to the point where she’s either calling him or approaching him while he’s eating dinner. Stop beating yourself up about this guy Alanis, he’s clearly not worth the effort if he’s already on the rebound.

’cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you’re still alive

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

’cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I’m not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back
I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

This is heading into vengeful voodoo territory. Or is it just weird kinky voodoo territory? I know that when a girl runs her nails down my back it’s usually in the middle of a passionate exchange. So, she wants him to feel when she’s getting laid? Or something? She wants to haunt his thoughts to the point where he keeps seeing her and feels her? Guess what Alanis? This guy is over you! You need to move on! Other than two vague claims that this guy mislead you about how much he loved you he’s done nothing wrong! Sure, he might be a jerk but I can assure you, this is not going to work out. You’re WAY too attached and he’s already got some other girl. Just let it go.

Well, I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

So, after carefully going over all these lyrics I’m really no closer to understanding who the bad guy is in this song. I mean, the only negative thing about the guy is that he once pledged his love to Alanis and now clearly no longer feels that way. Is that such a crime? Most serious relationships that end have this problem to overcome. People say things when they’re in love. I mean, I guess we’re supposed to assume that he never REALLY loved her and was lying the whole time. But then if that were true, why is Alanis so broken up about it? If that’s true then he’s just a liar and forget about it. Here’s my assessment of the three people involved:

1. The dude: This guy is either a liar or he fell out of love and ended up with a rebound girl quicker than Alanis would’ve preferred.
2. The new girl: May or may not be perverted, well spoken and/or maternal. Older than Alanis.
3. Alanis: Super hung up on her ex to the point where the relationship is her eternal cross to bear and she wishes to torment her ex mentally and physically with her memory and voodoo powers.

I don’t really think this song is nearly as empowering as I thought it was when I first heard it.

What have we learned? I think Alanis and Elvis would’ve made a fucked up couple.

Keith does all sorts of things here on 9to5.cc, he works with the other founders on 9to5 (illustrated), co-hosts our two podcasts: The 9to5 Entertainment System and Go Plug Yourself and blogs here as The Perspicacious Geek.