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We saw a lot of films at the 2013 edition of Fantasia in Montreal and just like we did last year, we had our favorites. However, providing awards like “Best in Fest” and that sort of thing is something we’d like to leave to people who are paid a lot more than we are, instead, we like to celebrate little things that make Fantasia a great festival. Some of the categories have changed (there was a lot less semen in this year’s Fantasia) but the spirit remains the same, without further ado, here are your nominees. As always, some spoilers contained in the nominations.  Tune into the 9to5 (podcast) channel on Monday to hear our special 9to5sies episode with the winners!

Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Monumental Stupidity:
1) Son Of Sardaar: Where someone purposefully slips on pickle juice to fake a back injury because Bollywood.
2) Evangelion 3.0:  Shinji Ikari taking the giant evil spears out of the Angel’s corpse, while everyone, on either side of the fight, is telling him that it’s a terrible idea.
3) Dead Experiment: With he himself experiencing the possible horrible side effects of coming back from the dead, the guy tries to resurrect his girlfriend’s dead dog to try and make her happy. It’s a dead fucking dog.

The First Inaugural William Shakespeare Award for Outstanding Achievement In The Field of Dialogue
1)  Feels like somebody stuck a big thumb up my ass, and it hurts, and I’ve got to figure out a way to get it out of there.  – Samurai Cop
2)  Light brings darkness, what sweet irony. – Imaginaerum.
3) I didn’t know clowns could die – The Machine

Captain Mopey Morose Protagonist
1) Shinji Ikari in Eva 3.0, for being generally whiney about everything even though he is clearly fighting to save all of humanity.
2) Ash in Vessel is just a mopey mope face. I talk to aliens, and that has cost me my emotions. I can’t FEEL anything anymore. Waah!
3) Mickey in The Battery, for having never killed a zombie in the zombie apocalypse and just hoping to find love and listening to sad music all day.
Runner ups: The chick from Thanatomorphose: sit around decomposing for a few days, a dude shows up so you cheat on your boyfriend and blow him while he fingers a hole in your head then he leaves.
The girl from Imaginaerum because daddy issues and Nightwish.

Creative Uses For Objects Not Designed for Murder:
1) Stop sign swung like an axe and killing two guys at once  in Bounty Killer
2) Burning someone alive with a jetpack in Bounty Killer
3) Running a zombie over with a sweet ass Trans Am in Zombie Hunter

Award for Excessive Testicular Fortitude:
1) The Hunter being impaled by a mega zombie and then holding a detonating grenade in his hands and still not dying in Zombie Hunter
2) After spending an indeterminate amount of time trapped in a car surrounded by zombies, with a bullet in his leg, eating canned food and pissing into bottles Ben decides that he’s going to get his sweet sweet vengeance in The Battery
3) Actor Barak Hardley for agreeing to film a fight scene with legit crazy person Gary Busy in Bounty Killer
Runner up: Son Of Sardaar:  When he accepts his fate at a wedding and walks out to face an army on his own. (This didn’t crack the top 3 since who can really take a Bollywood film that seriously?)

Best Moment Where Your Jaw Hits The Floor Because What The Fuck:
1)      An actual fucking demon comes crawling out of the girl’s womb in V/H/S 2
2)      The girl sits around decomposing for a few days, a dude shows up so she cheats on her boyfriend and gives a blow job to this other guy while he fingers a hole in her head then gets disgusted when he realizes she’s decomposing and then he just  leaves in Thanatomorphose
3)      A mentally challenged girl practically rapes Lucifer in History of the Devil (it’s stage theater that’s part of Fantasia, fucking deal with it)
Runner Up: When Ben locks Mickey (who is sleeping) in a room with a zombie to get him to kill his first zombie in The Battery

Achievement In Human Truncation at the Neck:
1)      Simon Pegg accidentally tears the head off a local teenager in The World’s End
2)      Police use the jaws of life to get a priest out of a car wreck and when they do, his head rolls off in Curse of Chucky
3)      A chainsaw wielding clown who may have been driven crazy by eating the flesh of zombies (that part isn’t really clear) decapitates a stripper and throws her head at our heroes in Zombie Hunter

Most Captivating Super Long Single Shot
1)      Benny sits in the back of car not sure if his life is over for nearly 10 minutes in The Battery
2)      The campers get assaulted in a tent for 20 minutes in Willow Creek
3)      Alberto’s naked in the morgue while the mortician just goes about his day for nearly 8 minutes in Halley

Best Application of “Whatever, Science”
1)      Pretty much the whole plot of OXV: The Manual
2)      Eating radioactive Tromorganic food resulting in a modified wheelchair, a 3 foot penis monster, a tentacle baby bursting out of a woman’s belly and a bunch of other stuff in Return to Nuke ‘Em High
3)    Aliens only talk to emos and also alien talk drains your sense of taste and emotion in Vessel

Most Lovable Geeks
1)      Matt and Owen playing Magic, The Gathering and constantly referencing awesome movies in The Dirties
2)      That guy who had a category called “Pre-Sellout Wes Craven” in his VHS collection in Rewind This
3)      Jack LeMans for wanting to be a Gun Caddy (which is basically a golf caddy, but for guns) more than anything else in the world in Bounty Killer