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It’s time once again for me to crack open my Loot Crate and see what’s inside. This month’s theme was COVERT which meant I could expect me some stuff related to espionage, spying and counterintelligence. Or something. Where last month’s PLAY theme seemed a little broad this month’s COVERT theme might have been a little too focused. Who considers themselves a hard-core “spy” fan anyhow?

I try to keep myself relatively spoiler free until I open up a month’s Crate, and even then, I only take out one item at a time to give myself maximum surprise factor. However, I like to float around r/lootcrate to see what other people theorize will be included in the Crate before shipping date. I feel like there was a general feeling that if there wasn’t something Archer related in a Crate devoted to spy stuff, it would be a disappointment. I’m not sure why some of these photos are potato quality, but I just can’t bring myself to take them all again.

Well guess what? Prepare to be disappointed.

Not only was there no Archer related merch, the Crate on the whole seems to be the weakest that I have received (my first was FEAR in October). Honestly this month’s box seems to be the most geared towards kids and the whole thing feels more like a collection of things I could get in a cereal box. That may seem harsh and there is some cool stuff in here, but let’s go item by item and we’ll see if you agree.

Solid Black Spy Watch
Ok, I’m a grown ass man. Chances are if I wear a watch it’s got to be pretty stylish and reflective of that fact (I own two different Nixon watches for reference). This plan black rubber watch is not something I’m probably going to wear on a daily basis, and it isn’t something most adults would ever wear. I figured it would maybe be useful for the odd time where I go to an outdoor concert or something and I don’t want to wear a watch that I care about though, right? Well, even then probably not. Read the label “not water resistant.” Forget “waterproof”. This thing isn’t even water resistant. So yeah, that puts it firmly in the toy category. I don’t need a toy watch. Even a plain black one.
Happiness: ♥ ♥

Agents of SHIELD Pass
This is an authentic prop replica from Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD tv show. I guess when somebody visits the agency they get one of these passes so that Nick Fury doesn’t just shoot them on site? I work at a pretty big office building and we give outsiders visitor passes to identify them to security and whatnot. You know what isn’t cool? A visitor pass. Even if I was a huge Agents of SHIELD fan I have a hard time imagining ever really caring that I have this little prop kicking around in a drawer somewhere. Like, what am I going to do with this? Wear it? The only thing I can ever see using this for is the laziest Halloween costume ever where I wear a suit and this pass and I’m like “I am a visitor at SHIELD.”
Happiness: ♥

Field Notes Notebooks
One is lined and the other is graph paper! I love small notebooks. They let me take small notes. I’m not even kidding, the notebooks are one of the best items in this month’s box. I like to have a little notebook with me to jot down article and comic ideas or little doodles that might come in useful later. I think it’s kind of sad when one of the best items in the box are notebooks.
Happiness: ♥ ♥ ♥

Orphan Black Comic Book
As a rule I typically keep the comics bagged and boarded for safe keeping, so I will likely never end up reading this (where The Walking Dead I’ve already picked up digitally and the Star Wars I might do the same). I have heard Orphan Black is pretty cool and apparently our friend Michael Mando was a recurring character but of all the spy-related stuff you could throw in, a comic book based on a Canadian Sci-Fi Original Series? Maybe I’m in a bad mood looking at this stuff. Extra heart for Canada. On a final note, this is terrible excuse for a comic bag with the fold on the front, what the hell. I am aware that this is nitpicking.
Happiness: ♥ ♥

James Bond Shirt
Really this is the only saving grace of this box since hey, new t-shirt. It’s a little on the cutesy side for my liking and is not something I would likely end up wearing to a metal show (or would I?) but the illustration is cute and it’s an alcohol joke, so I will give it partial marks. Again, of the 4 shirts I’ve ended up with (kitty skull, pirate/ninja, Voltron and now this) it is my least favorite.
Happiness: ♥ ♥ ♥

Digital Copy of Ninjak 1: I will read this on Comixology and get back to you. Until then it gets two hearts.
Happiness: ♥ ♥

Pin and Magazine: The little ‘zine and pin that come in every box. Hey, here’s a quick question, why is there an article about Metal Gear Solid but no MGS swag? Why are you taunting us Loot Crate?
Happiness: N/A

Paracord Survival Bracelet:
When I first saw this little guy in the box I thought it was super lame and why would I ever wear a neon-orange bracelet in public? Then I read the little card that came with it and found it that it was a bracelet made out of a pretty long length of paracord. I’ve watched enough Bear Grylls in Man vs Wild to know that if you have paracord you can create snares, climb trees and build a catapult or something. I am actually going to leave this in the trunk of my car so I will feel somehow better prepared for an emergency. Bear Grylls totally jacked up the heart rating on what is ultimately an ugly little bracelet.
Happiness: ♥ ♥ ♥

Spy Mad Libs:
Another example of this crate basically being for kids. I love Mad LIbs as much as the next guy but we’ve all played them to death and there’s probably an app on your phone (actually, as pictured, there is definitely an app on the phone). Cutesy James Bond, useless lanyard, neon orange bracelet, non-waterproof watch and a Mad Libs? Seriously the target demographic for this month’s crate was a 12 year old. Also, the illustration on the cover of the Mad Libs made me think of Spy vs Spy which was also glaringly absent from the COVERT theme.
Happiness: ♥ ♥

Apparently (based on an email that was sent a few days after the Crate) there’s some sort of online mystery thing that you can do using some clues found inside of the box. Ain’t nobody got time for that. From what I’ve read online it’s kind of fun and once again, if I was like 12 I might have been super into it. I get it that some of the stuff in a Loot Crate might be aimed at a younger audience than myself, but I also know very few kids whose parents would pay well over 150$ a year to send their kid of box of stuff each month. I think Loot Crate should keep their stuff aimed at at least someone in their late teens or older.

And seriously, the theme is COVERT and there’s nothing from Metal Gear Solid, Archer or Spy vs. Spy. I am disappoint.

I am not sure what next month’s theme is but I really hope they kick it up a notch.

See you next month everyone.

Keith does all sorts of things here on 9to5.cc, he works with the other founders on 9to5 (illustrated), co-hosts our two podcasts: The 9to5 Entertainment System and Go Plug Yourself and blogs here as The Perspicacious Geek.