It sucked worse than I could have imagined.

Remember how I said I was going to listen to a Samantha Ronson DJ set and let you know how it went?

I tried to do that. Today. I figured I would start by looking at her official page to see if she had anything posted there. Her site has not been updated since March 2010, so maybe she’s spinning different stuff now? Probably not. The DJ section of her website promises audio “Coming Soon” and is copyrighted 2006. This bodes ill.

Her whole site is made in Flash and I couldn’t get anything working, but my hopes of her not spinning garbage were already taking some pretty severe blows, apparently she also does some acoustic stuff with Jimmy Messer like… let’s see here… Enrique Iglesias covers. Seriously, an Enrique Iglesias cover is one of their featured tracks on the site. Wait a second, who the fuck is Jimmy Messer? The guy doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page. However, a search of him tells us all we need to know: He co-wrote “Never Again” with Kelly Clarkson. You click that link and you listen to that clip. You will take this voyage with me.

Google was not a lot of help finding a mix to listen too, since almost all of the links related to Ronson are just about her relationship with Lyndsay Lohan and partying and doing drugs and getting DUIs.

Fuck, this is really difficult.

Oh well, in a slight cop out on my part, the best I can find is her myspace page (ew, myspace, gross). Deep breath, here we go. I’m just gonna do some stream of consciousness writing since I don’t wanna put too much thought into this.

Don’t Care Anymore

It’s the first track, and 10 seconds in, I understand the title. It’s describing exactly how I feel about this whole idea. Is she the one singing in this mess? Fuzzy boom boom claps and a twangy little guitar riff piled up on top of a slightly fuzzy echo effect on her (?) voice. She’s singing about a boy? I thought she was a lesbian. Repetitious and boring lyrics keep fading in and out at random. Fuck, it’s finally over, holy shit that was only 3 minutes. Felt like 10.

Makes Me Rock

Some soft yacht rock Jamiroquai funk beat, followed up with, wait is that Jamiroquai singing? Google search. Apparently not, unless Jamiroquai is really fucking slumming it. It’s like, listen to some Jamiroquai, decide that it sounds good, make a shitty version of it. Apply as many goofy vocal effects on top of your wannabe Prince (I was sick of typing Jamiroquai) vocalist as you can, fade out music, just the vocals, end song. Fuck my life.

B More Happy Mix

More fuzzy boom boom claps, a few beeps and bloops, add, the fucking Spice Girls? I’m not kidding. This is a fucking remix of “2 Become 1” with some ugly bits, a little bit of chiptune thrown in to be extra offensive. G-g-get-it-get-it-on-g-g-g-g-g-g-get-it-on. If this song played at a party I was at, I would have to be 10 hits of ecstacy in just to not throw up. So far, this is the only track that I think you really should listen to, others need to share the pain that I’m feeling right now. Did this seem like a good idea really high? When you have these ideas and you’re high, you need to write them down. Read them when you’re sober. If it’s still a good idea THEN you can act on them. Don’t act on them while you’re still really high. With 1.4 MILLION listens, this is her second most popular song. Her first?

Built This Way

With over 2 million listens, this is Samantha Ronson’s big song. Acoustic guitar bullshit that, wait-a-minute, this song is from the Mean Girls soundtrack? That Lindsay Lohan movie? Ronson is 34 years old, and Mean Girls came out in 2004. So she was 27 years old when she made this song (which by the way sounds like a 16 year old gir wrote it to explain to her parents that she wasn’t attending college). Did she meet Lohan because of this song? Lohan was 17 when she made that flick, and in 2008 confirmed that she was going out with Ronson for “a very long time“. Holy jailbait Samantha! Oh, the song is done. Thank God.

DJ A.M. ADD Mix

First of all, Ronson is a different last name than Goldstein. I have a hard time believing DJ AM had anything to do with this mess, I could be wrong. Not only did DJ AM spin for Tony Stark, he’s also a competant DJ (I assume this came out before he died). This is not a song. This is a mashup in the worst possible sense. This is just clips of lyrics where a single word mixes into another one, for instance: “Just a city boy, born in the USA!” Fuck this, I’m not listening to another second of this. If Adam Goldstein had anything to do with this I would prefer it be erased from my memory.

99 Problems Remix

Jay Z mashed up with.. I don’t know. Some chick saying “You make me wanna pull my hair out.” Maybe it’s Ronson? Who the fuck knows or cares anymore. Shitty guitar wailing riffs and taps grind in the background and make a mess of one of the most already remixed songs of our time. NEXT.

Indian Summer

Sad piano music, followed up by acoustic guitar and a whiney voice (again, maybe Ronson?) cooing about her Indian Summer love or something. I think the guys voice might be that Jimmy Messer fellow from before. This sounds like the audition my 14 year old sister and her boyfriend would make trying to get into Lilith Fair. Then Sarah McLachlan would yell at them for being too sensitive and shitty. That’s right, this is a song that would offend Sarah McLachlan.

Tomorrow Always Comes

Thank God this is over. I don’t even know what to say about this one. Like, she’s happiest when she’s sleeping? No fucking wonder, your life is a joke, you’re a terrible DJ, you suck too much for Lilith Fair, you sing about boys and maybe you’re a lesbian and you’re only famous for hooking up with Lindsay Lohan and being Mick Jones’s daughter-in-law and Mark Ronson’s sister. Waugh.

What have I done? This was more like work than work.