This is the face I made at some of these search terms.

The only reason I specified Volume 1 up there in the title is because I’m pretty sure that in a few months I will return to this as a source of not only my entertainment but also as a source of writing another edition of Fuck Mondays. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I really get a kick out of poring over the site’s stats and seeing how people find our site, where they’re coming from (both where they’re from physically and also what sites they’re coming from), etc.

Scott used to run a blog before moving over to 9to5 (dot cc) and one of the search terms that frequently pointed people to his site was “is the hulk gay” or something along those lines (“gay hulk”, “bruce banner gay”, “hulk anal orgy”… basically the same thing).  We had a good laugh about it and moved on.

We’ve been running pretty smoothly for coming up on 3 months now and we’ve written articles about some pretty random shit. You can imagine that people have searched some pretty strange stuff and wound up on our site.  Here’s my top 10 so far and in no particular order:

1)      bbs fuck archives childs

Remember, this is a single search term. I like to think this person was just doing some stream of conscious searching. Hmm, bbs back in the day, fuck no, that’s not what I’m thinking of, archives, yeah, archives of childs, nah, should maybe be children, will this search get me into trouble with the law? I can see why it pointed to us though, our multisite is stored in a directory called bbs, we have archives and we use the word “fuck” an awful lot. I guess we’ve also used the world “child” from time to time. Still, I’d love to know what that person was looking for.

2)      chaz bono wtf wrong with this world

This one at least makes a little sense. As you no doubt know, I write a column called WTF World and I wrote one that involved Chaz Bono. The thing is, I don’t think the person doing this search was looking for my column. I think that the person thought of Chaz Bono, and then just continued their train of thought with “wtf wrong with this world”. I imagine it was someone close minded who didn’t like the fact that Chaz was on Dancing With the Stars. I agree with this person, other than being the child of celebrities and pretty damned fat, I don’t qualify Chaz Bono as a “star” at all.

3)      demon in london riots picture

I understand why this got to us; I talked about Demon Souls and the London Riots. This one makes the list though because “demon in London riots” is not a thing. I tried, I really tried. I looked all over the place to find out why someone would want to look for this. No luck. My theory?  This person really wanted to find a demon in the London riots. It would somehow have made their day to know the root cause of all that turmoil was a demonic influence. Sorry to disappoint internet. It was just people.

4)      fuck jeans

Yeah man, seriously. Fuck jeans. Fuck them in their stupid jean faces.

5)      illustrated blow jobs

We’ve got a couple talented artists working here at 9to5. Both of whom are pretty good at illustration.  Neither of them has illustrated a blow job. Yet

6)      illustrated vagina

Ok, but seriously, there seems to be some demand for it though. That’s it. New recurring feature! Sophie and Scott Teach Sexual Illustration! The hits’ll keep on coming if we just stick with it. Next week, they will teach you about “illustrated rim jobs”. Of course, I’ll be adding “illustrated rim jobs” into the tags for this post, so if someone searches for it and ends up here, I’ll let you know the next time I do this.

7)      lucas 7 : 13

What I think happened here is that someone Spanish (the book of Luke is the book of Lucas I think) was looking up Luke 7:13, which reads:

When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, “Don’t cry.”

What they got of course was Fuck Mondays 7: 13 Thinks George Lucas Might Ruin. Of course, once they saw that list they needed that Bible verse to help them get through it.

8)      men fucking themselves with baseball bats

I will admit: I did not search this one to find out what sort of thing the person might have been looking for. I know what they were looking for; they were looking for men, holding baseball bats, shoving them into their own asses. In essence, fucking themselves… with baseball bats. I like to think there’s a little something for everyone here at 9to5 (dot cc), but I think I’m wrong. The person who searched for this was disappointed. What they were looking for was not here. I’m glad for that.

9)      video showing four men holding her limbs,and one man fucking her

You know the one. You know the video, with the four guys holder her limbs? One guy is fucking her? Come on internet!  That’s the one I want! Sure it’s a little rapey, but you know, don’t judge me. Much like the men with their baseball bats, we don’t have that video here. No sir.

10)   who is the goddess of acrey

I looked into this one. We’ve never mentioned Acrey. It also just seems to be a family name, not sure if individual families have their own gods and goddesses but who knows right?  In another twist though; we’ve never used the word “goddess” until right now. This one is super mysterious. I think there is some sort of Dan Brown plotline that we’re involved in and we don’t even know it. This website, you search for the Goddess of Acrey and you find it. Go to them, they will lead you to the next step.

That was fun.

Just for shits and giggles I’ve added all these terms into the tags for this post so that these people, if they keep looking this shit up, will keep finding us. Good times.

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