This is a shitty day for this column. I’m still wondering what I can do to spice this bitch up when I have days like today, where the entire world seems hellbent on being fascinated by garbage. What are people caring about right now you ask? There’s that trailer for that movie series about sparkling vampires that everyone seems to love so much that’s out. That’s a big deal to some. No, I’m not going to link to it and no, I haven’t watched the trailer in question. Apparently vampires are the talk of the (internet) town today though, as some photos leaked of Johnny Depp in the new Tim Burton film “Dark Shadows”. The popular consensus is of course that he looks like Michael Jackson in that makeup, but I’m more upset about something else.
Another goddamn vampire walking around in broad daylight. Fuck you other film series that made vampires being out in sunlight something that could even happen. In all fairness Dark Shadows is sort of the prototype for the whole vampire craze that we’re in the middle of right now, originally a television in the 1960s that’s described as a “gothic horror soap opera” and featured soap opera storylines about vampires, ghosts, werewolves and other supernatural elements. Sound familiar? This was on in 1967. Anyhow, Depp is playing Barnabas Collins a character he’s supposedly obsessed with. I don’t care if Depp’s makeup is some terrible plot device to allow the character out in the sun or if that’s how he will look in the entire film. It’s a Tim Burton film: Johnny Depp in stupid makeup is practically a given. I just don’t want any more vampires in daylight.
Please let me find some real news to talk about.
This is weird: Listeria Outbreak Kills 5, Tied to Contaminated Cantaloupe. If you don’t know what exactly Listeria is (like me, I knew it was a thing, but could not tell you the symptoms or the effects of it) I can’t really help you. My research into this doesn’t go much deeper than Wikipedia so feel free to look it up on your own. It just seems like a really bad infection with a high mortality rate, especially targeting pregnant women and adults with weak immune systems (like the elderly).
The reason I mentioned this is not just because people are looking into it and probably causing widespread panic that I want to help spread, but also because people dying from eating food scares the shit out of me. Every time I hear one of these stories about infected meats, fruits or vegetables or whatever I get insanely paranoid. I buy a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables from the fruit store, the fact that I could just get unlucky and it kills me fucks my shit right up. More so than airborne viruses like SARS and the like. More so than even random acts of violence. Eating something delicious and then dying from it is terrifying.
Thank fucking everything for autosaves. My computer just crashed and I only lost 2 sentences. Woot.
Closing up this week is a little about Nintendo’s 3DS. If you haven’t heard, the 3DS is sort of already being brushed aside as a failure, not a Virtual Boy failure mind you (I chose a website that I thought accurately portrays the machine’s majesty), but a failure all the same. With a huge price cut to try and boost sales they might be on the right track to avoiding disaster but they’re taking another step to try and fix some problems. Not sure if I agree with it, but whatever, what can you do? They’re adding another analogue stick. It looks fucking strange. It takes another battery and makes the whole thing lopsided. I think it’s personally a mistake, developers will add second stick functionality to some games, but won’t fully develop it since not all users will have the peripheral. Everything about it seems half assed to me. It might not even make its way to North America. Who knows?
BONUS: While looking up stuff for this week’s edition of WTF World I stumbled across a photo tribute at Celebuzz to Amy Winehouse “Amy Winehouse through the Years”. I think it’s supposed to be touching or something (today would have been her birthday), but instead it just plays like a horror show. It’s pretty awful.