Fuck Mondays: Delving Into The Tomb of Horrors – Part 1

by keith on 2013/05/01 at 1:28 pm
Posted In: Fuck Mondays

It’s not Monday but who cares?

So, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’m going to be engaging in some classic late 70s-80s pop-culture geek fandom. The goal being to play old games, watch old movies and broaden the scope of my geeky historical knowledge. Some of these things I will have watched or played before and some I’ve never even been exposed to. The first historical artifact that I’m going to peruse is the 1978 Dungeons & Dragons module The Tomb of Horrors. There are better sources than this website for the history of this notorious D&D module but to sum it up: Gary Gygax was sick of D&D players not dying in his dungeons, so he made a dungeon to kill off players as quickly as he could.

Originally I planned on simply reading through the module and giving the good readers my perspective, however when Jon heard about this he got giddy with glee, clapping his hands and dancing a jig. Tomb of Horrors is one of the most notoriously unfair and lethal D&D campaigns ever created. Filled with “fuck you, you’re dead now” moments from start to finish. It is the stuff of D&D legend and he had never had the chance to run it for a group of players. He forbid me from reading the module (which I respected) and then ran the tomb for us. For that reason, he’ll be commenting on the narrative. He’ll be writing in blue. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Wrestlemania 29 Match Reviews That Would Fit in a Tweet

by keith on 2013/04/08 at 11:45 am
Posted In: Fuck Mondays, Sports

I know, I know, I’m supposed to be reviewing Tomb of Horrors right now but a few things have come up. One, I need to get some paperwork in order for my new job and two, we didn’t actually complete the tomb. Part 1 of the Tomb of Horrors article should be ready next Monday. So, here are my quick impressions for all the matches of Wrestlemania 29.

The Miz defeated Wade Barrett (c) via submission for the Intercontinental Title
Miz locked a well executed figure-four to make Barrett tap. A move that an old man gave to him by magic. I remember that this match was ok.

The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns) defeated Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Big Show
Shield looked great. Glad they beat the Justice League clean and Big Show’s “turn” on Orton and Sheamus wasn’t actually during the match.

Mark Henry defeated Ryback
Boring big man match. At least we all got to go “ooooh” when Ryback marched around with Henry on his shoulders at the end. Also: Bear Hug!

Team Hell No (Kane and Daniel Bryan) (c) defeated Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston (with AJ Lee) for the Tag Team Championships
Enjoyed the match, Zigg, Kane and Bryan looked good, not much out of Big E. Sort of sad that Bryan and Kane can’t get singles stories yet.

Fandango defeated Chris Jericho
Sleeper match of the show, Fandango looked nervous but still delivered and Jericho sold new talent well. Maybe shouldn’t have been at ‘mania.

Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez) (c) defeated Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter) via Submission for the World Heavyweight Championship
Del Rio carried the match in my opinion, not a fan of Swagger’s in ring inability to put over his opponent. Sad that Ziggler didn’t cash in.

The Undertaker defeated CM Punk (with Paul Heyman)
An entire era separates Punk and Taker and they deliver the match of the night. Streak intact means maybe one more ‘Mania for the Dead Man.

Triple H (with Shawn Michaels) defeated Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman)
HBK added nothing to this match, a little slow and it almost looked like Brock was carrying HHH and not vice-versa.

John Cena defeated The Rock (c) for the WWE Championship
Better than last year but still a boring spot-fest with either possible result somehow seeming lame and predictable. Fans were really quiet.

Final Impressions:
So, how was it on the whole? I think it was honestly one of the better Wrestlemania PPVs I’ve seen in the past few years. The fact that they were running rushed meant cutting the almost always terrible comedic interludes which gave it a real fast-paced UFC style feel (even if it was completely unintentional) and there weren’t any real “dud” matches (even Rock/Cena would’ve gone over pretty well if this was a few years ago and the fans bought into spot-fests the way they used to).

I am terrified that John Cena will end the Streak next year at XXX.

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Fuck Mondays: Ready Player One by Ernest Cline Should Be Required Reading in High School

by keith on 2013/04/01 at 8:26 am
Posted In: Fuck Mondays

Assuming of course that for some reason high school curriculum shifts dramatically to include the importance of all things related to 80s pop-culture. Ready Player One could easily be at the top of the summer reading list for future students of classes like “80s Geek Culture 101,” “Introduction to Video Games: Arkanoid to Zaxxon,” or  ”Understanding Your Parents Nostalgia”. However, nobody who’s a teenager actually cares about the 80s and if they do, it’s in an ironic way that actually has little to no reverence or appreciation for the decade that spawned (or at the very least nursed to life) video games, electronic music, personal computers and the internet. A man with a great deal of reverence and appreciate for that decade, however, is Ernest Cline.

(I know that in last week’s episode of 9ES I said I was going to talk about Roger Corman’s Gas-s-s-s, however it seems like that eventual column is going to take a lot more research and investigation that I thought, so we’ll deal with that later).

If you haven’t heard or heard of Ernest Cline yet, you should probably do that now (I am particularly fond of his spoken word on Airwolf, it’s a good place to start if you’re trying to decide whether or not you’ll enjoy a book like Ready Player One). If you couldn’t tell from his website, Cline is obsessed (or at the very least extremely “into”) the 80s. It should not be a surprise that his first book is largely about his favorite things from that time period.  ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Fuck Mondays: Underoos, Seriously, What the Fuck? (1970s Commercials)

by keith on 2013/03/25 at 10:22 am
Posted In: Comics, Fuck Mondays, Movies

I was going to start this article by assuming that everyone knew what Underoos were, however, when I was talking to people in my entourage it seemed that their existence was not common knowledge. Somehow, I always knew what these things were, despite never owning them personally. I am pretty sure I wanted to own a pair though. I mean, it crossed superheros and Star Wars with the mighty power of underwear. Assuming childhood me had anything in common with grown up me, I definitely wanted these things under my regular clothes.

So, what are Underoos? Well, pretty simply they are a pair of underwear/panties with a little matching undershirt. What makes them special though is that they are themed to comic book and cartoon stars (and also Star Wars).

I’m pretty sure that the general idea here was to make kids feel like awesome superheros or whatever in their day-to-day lives, probably giving a secret confidence boost to a whole generation of nerdy kids. Real superheros wore their costumes under their normal clothes, right? You were no different. You could even be a private school kid wearing a school uniform, but underneath, you were the Goddamn Batman.

One of the things that gets me about the whole concept is in the slogan: “Underwear that’s Fun to Wear!” Does it strike anyone else as a little off that they were marketing “fun” underwear to children? If you make your child underwear too fun, aren’t you sort of encouraging children to show off their fun underwear? “Hey, look at me! I’m Wonder Woman!” You fucking put your clothes back on little girl! Maybe the 70s were a simpler time, a time where you could encourage children to wear fancy fun underwear and not expect them to just dance around and make everyone feel uncomfortable. Or, as evidenced by the commercials I’m about to share with you, maybe not. Maybe the late 70s and early 80s were just super fucking creepy and actively encouraged choreographed go-go dance routines for both boys and girls. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Does it Suck? Spoiler Free Review of Sinister

by keith on 2013/03/11 at 3:40 pm
Posted In: Fuck Mondays, Movies

So this past Friday Jono came over after work to watch a movie (as he often does). We haven’t really watched any good horror in a while (actually, probably since Fantasia to be honest) so I decided to check through the new release section and see if there was anything worth watching. I remember the trailer for Sinister looking a little promising so that’s what I decided we were watching. Jon didn’t get a vote since I don’t believe in democracy or the American Dream.  Here’s why Sinister sucked and why it rocked.

Why it sucked:
If you want to know exactly what this movie is about, go and watch the trailer. There are really no surprises here, the trailer tells you basically everything you need to know about this movie. Little girl, little boy, Ethan Hawke is their dad, evil stuff starts happening. That’s about it. The movie doesn’t really try that hard to create a very interesting narrative and while the plot twists are there, you can mostly see them coming from a mile away. In fact, in trying to predict said plot twists we were pretty much 100% accurate, only coming up short when we thought there would be a last minute twist that would’ve made the movie a lot more interesting. If you’re playing the “What’s the Next Plot Twist” home game I can give you a hint: don’t give this movie too much credit or you’ll be disappointed. Also, for a movie that has a girl streaking blood across the wall in poster the gore is surprisingly tame. The movie doesn’t shy away from the gore by turning the camera away or anything, it just does not really revel in it the way the poster might suggest.  Finally, as is the case in many horror movies, the characters eschew all sense of logic at key moments of the film in order to push the film’s train track narrative forward. Sinister isn’t alone here, characters making bad decisions is sadly a big part of contemporary horror, however it does contribute to the “suck” quotient of this film. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Zombies and Loathing: Part 13 – Pseudonimity

by keith on 2013/03/05 at 5:14 pm
Posted In: FaL, FaL - After the Bomb

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking that I’m full of shit aren’t you? If I’m naming names like Pruitt and The Banker and telling you about our meetings, I would already be dead wouldn’t I? Well, guess what idiot, this happened months ago. Let me tell you the goddamned story.

As I follow Pruitt and The Banker through the warehouse (flanked by the omni-present goons of course), I catch a glimpse of myself in a small hand held mirror that is propped up against a box of what looks like stuffed animals. I swallow my shock at seeing my own face for the first time in at least over a year. I look like hell. I barely recognize myself. Barely recognize my own features.

I continually modify my own features whenever possible, hair length, hair colour, subtle adjustments to the way I carry myself. When I was more actively travelling I would occasionally undergo facial reconstruction surgeries when the time and facilities permitted. My own mother wouldn’t recognize me now. It’s something I have to do for safety. The safety of anonymity. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Zombies and Loathing: Part 12 – Gastric City Planning

by keith on 2013/03/01 at 4:50 pm
Posted In: FaL

I follow Sid Pruitt through the seemingly endless collection of alleyways that make up most of New Bunker. His goons walking so closely behind me I can nearly feel their breath on my neck. It’s like they’re daring me. Make a move junky. We’ll snap your fucking neck the second we think something’s not right. Acting the right amount of nervous is easy, I’m shitting my pants. Just no sudden movements and they’ll have no excuse to give in to whatever drug enhanced violent impulses they must be suppressing.

Most of you probably have no idea why the city is laid out the way it is. The walls that surround the city are still intact since they’re made to pre-Collapse military standard. In fact, the entire city is encompassed by three sets of wall, the outer wall being thickest but shortest, the inner wall being slightly thinner but higher. This allows for 2 of the 3 walls to be breached without actually making it into the city. The height of each wall lets snipers and lookouts survey all the areas of not only their own area, but of each smaller wall as well.

↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Zombies and Loathing: Part 11 – Negative Creep

by keith on 2013/02/20 at 4:20 pm
Posted In: FaL

Fuck this. Fuck this! Fuck all of this! fuck this clandestine, mums the word, “stay quiet to stay safe” bullshit. 7 months of silence and what do I have to show for it? Absolutely nothing. I promised change and delivered nothing. Conroy is stronger than ever, New Bunker is even more rotten if that’s even possible. At best I have only burst open the festering pustules of the city and showered their formally somewhat contained disease into the streets. I have been so ineffectual that Conroy likely thinks I have either died or abandoned my mission.

Well guess what Vincent? I’m fucking still here. No matter what has happened or how good you probably feel right now, I’m still right fucking here. Right fucking here with a bullet of Truth ready to by shot right into your brains to make sure that absolutely no part of you can come back as a god-forsaken zombie, since I wouldn’t even trust you to be a mindless, shambling undead piece of shit. The world will be better off with what you’ve done exposed and laid bare, I can only hope that you’ll meet justice at the hands of one of your ass-licking brown nosed lackeys when even they see who you really are.

So reader, I will not hide from my mistakes. You deserve the Truth. Even if that means sharing my disappointing failures and catastrophic missteps. I owe it to you. I owe you accountability. 7 months I promised you I would pick apart the house of cards that Conroy has built for himself. 7 months ago I set my sights on the first man I was going to take down: Sid Pruitt. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Fuck Mondays: One Line Review of Every Match at Elimination Chamber (Spoilers)

by keith on 2013/02/18 at 12:09 pm
Posted In: Sports

If you were following the 9to5 (twitter)account last night, you probably realized that I was watching the latest WWE Pay-Per-View, Elimination Chamber. I drank a lot of beer and had terrible service from an awful waitress at PJ’s but otherwise it was a pretty decent (in my opinion) PPV. Here’s what I remember about the matches.

None of these men fought in the Elimination Chamber

And away we go. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Does it Suck? Spoiler Free Review of Dredd 3D

by keith on 2013/01/23 at 4:58 pm
Posted In: Fuck Mondays, Movies

Yeah, I’ve tagged this as a Fuck Mondays post even though I’m pretty sure it’s Wednesday. Fuck Mondays is a state of mind and when it’s -30 and dropping in our lovely city I feel like it’s time for a Fuck Mondays post. Also, there’s no comic today and there hasn’t been a post since last Thursday, so I’ll blow the dust off my keyboard and hit it with my fingers until this bitch is done.

I saw Dredd 3D (only I saw it in regular 2D since DDR doesn’t have a 3D TV like a cheap skate) on Monday and here’s what sucked and what was awesome.

Why it sucks:
The story line is really pretty straight forward. Without spoiling a thing I can tell you that there are some bad guys who need to be arrested by Dredd and don’t want to be, so instead they try to kill him. He is opposed to being killed so he fights them with guns and explosions. You probably could’ve figured that out from the trailer. There really isn’t a lot more going on than that, so don’t expect more. If you do, you will be disappointed. Absolutely none of the characters have any depth or deeper motivations. Dredd is Dredd (enforces the law to an obsessive degree), the rookie is a rookie (trying to prove she’s good enough to be a Judge), the psycho main villain is psycho for almost no reason (though Lena Headey is padding her resumé with being psychotic female villains, you know her as Cersei Lannister) and so on. There is also no one scene that makes you go “holy shit this is awesome.” Just a lot of straight shooting action and straight forward characters.

Why it rocks:
Dredd sort of succeeds by not trying to be more than it is. It’s not packing the big budget of a film like Avengers and is not nearly as ambitious as Dark Knight Rises, but at the same time , Judge Dredd was never Batman or The Avengers in the comics world either. For all their simplicity, none of the characters are poorly acted. The dialogue didn’t offer any depth but the actors did their best with what was given. The action scenes were not jaw dropping, but also weren’t cheesy. It was also almost entirely devoid of shaky-cam, which is refreshing in an action flick these days. It also is almost wall-to-wall action, never slowing down long enough for you to think too hard about how silly and simple the story is.

Does it suck?
If you want a simple action film that isn’t super slick or super deep, than no, it doesn’t suck. If you’re a fan of the comics, it doesn’t suck the way the Stallone apocalypse of 1995 did, it’s a lot more faithful to the pulpy source material so don’t worry too much. I would recommend this film to anyone who’s interested in seeing a good Judge Dredd film or anyone who wants a gritty cyberpunk action film and isn’t expecting too much. I think this film would’ve done a lot better at the box office if it didn’t come out the same year as Avengers and Dark Knight Rises and the same few weeks as Argo and Looper.

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